Those who do not live in South Florida may be unaware of a recent and rather lengthy series of articles that have exposed and highlighted cases of abuse and neglect in Assisted Living Facilities (ALF). This has understandably triggered investigations into many aspects of elder care. There are multiple ALFs in and around Homestead and after I published Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid, I took it over to one of the newer residences that is active in the Chamber of Commerce. I spoke with one of the senior staff members who has been with the facility as it moved through different owners until its current group. I have no reason to believe that the former operations of the ALF were inappropriate, but in the present state, it appears to be a genuine model for what an ALF should be. The decor is sunny and open, there are grounds to enjoy, activites for residents, nicely prepared food, and so forth.

The director also initiated a monthly luncheon that brings together people within various aspects of elder care for networking and to showcase how this ALF functions at a high level. I attended the luncehon yesterday and naturally one of the discussions was about the recent revelations and what investigations might take place. The lady to whom I am referring agreed that the focus is on the negative, yet her take was that those in elderly care very much need to constantly be aware of the potential for neglect and abuse. “We have to face and solve these problems,” she said at one point in a conversation. She, like a number of the attendees, came up through the nursing professsion and while I am not certain when she made the decision to specialize in elder care, she serves as a strong role model for exactly the kind of individual who should be in the field. She recognizes the physical and emotional issues of the elderly and does not fall into the habit of infantalizing the residents.

Different living arrangements is a topic of Your Room at the End, and even though I discuss various options, Assisted Living is likely to be a reality for many Baby Boomers and our parents. There is significant cost associated with ALFs, and while less expensive ones may offer fewer services and amenities, the way in which an ALF is staffed and operated is the real key. Paying more for a place does not automatically ensure that it is a better place. It is the attitude of the staff that makes the real difference. As I urge throughout Your Room at the End,  researching available residences before you need them can make a world of difference. By doing so, you can have a list of resources (particularly if those in your area have a waiting list) that you have “pre-approved” before you are required to make a decision during what could well be a time of emotional crisis. Yes, you are correct, this isn’t a “fun” topic; that is precisely what the book is sub-titled, Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid.

I will confess that notwithstanding the fact that I am a firm believer in capitalism and free enterprise, if cosmetic and beauty salons had to depend on my support, those industries would have declined long ago. I have nothing against cosmetics, it’s just that because of my particular lifestyle with a lot of outdoor activity, skin care and sunscreen are my real concerns. As for hair, this fine, thin, flyaway stuff I inherited works best in a braid or put up in a clamp. And nails – Lord, am I rough on nails that no manicure can stand up to. Pedicure – not for my ticklish feet. Now, with all that said, I have come to appreciate a value of pedicures that I had simply not previously understood. Have you ever tried to trim your toenails without bending over or bending your knee?

One of the many eye-opening experiences that I had when coping with the elder care situation that resulted in Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid, was how something as mudane as trimming toenails could create such a problem. Numerous physical conditions can prevent you from being able to perform this task and it doesn’t take more than a few months of neglect for toenails to thicken, curve, and/or become in-grown. Shoes may no longer fit properly and unconscious nighttime scratching can result in cuts to the feet and legs. People who have always considered pedicures as an “unnecessary luxury” may well begin to hide their feet rather than admit to having problems. Once the problem becomes severe, it will require a visit to a podiatrist or a specially trained nurse to resolve. Having a pedicure 3-4 times a year is normally enough to keep this under control, although other foot problems that do require a podiatrist may also occur and then nail care is often combined as a part of treatment.

So, if you have an older relative who has difficulting in reaching their toes, find a subtle or candid way to ask the question and perhaps you can help make arrangements for perioridc pedicures. Another topic in Your Room is about how we reach a point where gifts just causes us to accumulate more stuff. A gift certificate for a pedicure is a type of “consummable” gift-giving. I know this whole things sounds a bit odd if you haven’t been through it, but it really is something to check into.

One of the sections in my new book, Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid, has to do with having someone else on your checking account in the event that you become ill or injured, or otherwise not capable of conducting financial transactions. I was in a bank yesterday and there was a gentleman at the far window attempting to perform some type of transaction for his mother. The initial conversation was low, but as the exchange escalated, the words were difficult to avoid. It appeared to be a case of his mother having an accident and being unable to come in, and his father, the only other person on the account, had Alzheimer’s. The situation did not get resolved to the gentleman’s satisfaction and he departed in what seemed to be angry frustration.

I totally understood, and I also understand that not everyone has a younger family member that should be on a checking account for emergencies. However, if you reach a certain age as a single individual, or one of a couple has become incapable of conducting financial transactions, then having a trusted individual who can write or cash checks for you is important. If you have no family or close friend you can trust, it may be time to see about finding an accountant and/or attorney that can perform those kinds of functions. That should also be approached with caution, yet as I stress in Your Room, making plans and arrangements before it is a crises situation enables you to do things like properly research an accountant and/or attorney. Plans and arrangements can be modified to reflect what is actually going on in your life as opposed to what you thought was going to happen. It is having no plan that adds more stress when already stressful events such as illness and injury occur.

Okay, you can’t see Dustin’s face, but he’s the one in the red shirt; the photo taken in the midst of a leap during a lively number as part of a Bowen-McCauley Dance Company performance. (www.bmdc.org). It is an entergetic piece that balances with some of the more dramatic offerings that Lucy Bowen-McCauley provides in her contemporary dance company. And it couldn’t possibly be more removed from the career that we thought Dustin was going to have.

Like so many parents, we expected our son to go to college, get a “normal” job, be successful, etc.,. When he decided he wanted to work with restoring animal habitats, especially working with wolves, or maybe the marine environment, we accepted that he wasn’t destined to make large sums of money. “Well, as long as he’s happy,” we said. Of course, what that usually really means is that, “As long as he’s happy and we can proudly show off his success.” What we never saw coming was that somehow he possessed a passion for dance that was ignited during his freshman year of college. Dance as a profession? As a hobby, yeah, but as a profession? And in our inability to understand this, and his trying to not disappoint us, we all made mistakes in communicating that I regret to this day. The essay on my website, “Of Course My Child Will…” gives more detail, but the end result was that Bennett and Debra Savage of the Fairfax Center for Ballet Arts in Fairfax, Virginia (www.thecenterforballetsarts.com)  saw the talent in him and persuaded us that he actually did have potential. They explained that even though he was coming to dance very late, he had such a strong desire and work ethic that they thought he could overcome the considerable obstacle of no previous training. We reluctantly agreed and they put him into an intensive program.

Dustin in now entering his fifth year of professional dance; performing and teaching with Lucy, teaching and performing with Benn and Debbie, and performing as a guest artist for other companies. Bless his wife’s heart for being so supportive both emotionally and with her work that helps make ends meet. The simple truth is that a dancer’s performing life on stage is brief, and had we not finally accepted what Dustin truly wanted, he would have missed his chance. Will he have that “normal” job some day as a post-performance career? Probably, although it will probably also be associated with dance. We understand that now and in those moments when we sit in the audience and watch him lift a female dancer to his shoulder, leap to a crash of music, or tenderly dip his partner in a piece entitled, “Falling Slowly”, we shake our heads that this is our son. And we are glad that we did come to recognize that this was the right path for him.