Serious content alert! A luncheon conversation did it again – set me to thinking about one of the important themes of my book, Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid. In this particular case, it has to do with knowing when you really are “too old” for a task or activity. I’m not talking about a physical thing here, although that certainly does happen. Being no longer able to carry an heavy object or climb up on a ladder without the real risk of falling, or something of that nature, is in a way, easier to accept because there is a physical impediment that can be defined. In other cases, as in this particular discussion, it is the far more distressing point of discovering that you may no longer have the mental acuity to manage a specific task or set of tasks. Worse, is having other people tell you that you are no longer able. Most of us like to believe that we will recognize that point and gracefully hand over the reins, maybe make a bit of a joke. If you haven’t experienced this with an older person in your own life, talk to someone who routinely works with the elderly and run that one by them. One of the things that I learned in working through writing Your Room was to acknowledge the fear (that is often accompanied by anger) of “becoming useless”, and especially of being pushed aside because someone perceives you in that manner.

What does one do about this? What I have come to believe is that a genuine analysis of a situation is the starting point and if you can’t objectively analyze, then ask for another “pair of eyes”. Is it that an individual can no longer do a task or that the individual can no longer do the task as quickly or as efficiently as before? There is a difference and it might be a big difference. Managing a checkbook is an example. Perhaps the individual was once meticulous in maintaining a checkbook down to the penny. Maybe that individual now labors much longer over the task, asking for you to double check their math, perhaps forgetting sometimes to enter a debit or deposit. If it is only occasionally, and doesn’t cause an overdraw, is it really time to consider taking away the management of the checkbook? Now, if there are multiple missing entries, and especially confusion about the missing entries (or duplicate entries), that’s probably cause for concern.

There are no easy answers here, no “one size fits all” measure, but what I would suggest is that if you do quickly reach in to “help” with something or become impatient because a previously simple task now requires double or triple the time, that you step back and try and view the situation from the other individual’s perspective. You may find that you are too quickly leaping to the conclusion that someone is “too old” for a task. If you are correct, however, try to handle it with as much dignity as possible for the other person.

Perhaps the fact that I’m traveling tomorrow so soon after Mother’s Day sparked the thought about my book, The Parents Guide to Business Travel, the first non-fiction book that I wrote. While I usually hyperlink the title, this time, I’m providing the link to the first chapter instead because there might be some passages that will sound very familiar. http://www.charliehudson.net/books/week_sample.html

In actuality, I think the spark came from a discussion with a friend who has a friend who is feeling that his relationship with his children is strained due to travel, but he thinks that it will eventually work out. And it might. However, if the plan is to pretend that there isn’t a problem and ignore it rather than honestly look at the situation, then the scales could tip in the other direction. The very reason that I wrote the book was based on many years of work-related separation, to include the six months of deployment during Desert Shield/Storm. The separations began when my son was only three and continued through high school. That is why I divided the book by age group – how one handles separation with an infant is not the same as with an adolescent. No matter the age though, there is a common theme and that is to convey to the child/children that you are not away because you value work more than family. The demand of travel in a job is a reality in certain professions and that is what you explain. How you explain that will depend on age, personality, and other factors that I discuss in the book. When managed correctly, this can be a positive influence because it provides insight to a child about adults and work. Children can understand priorities when those are presented in a user-friendly way. “Mommy/Daddy has work and sometimes it is at the office and sometimes it’s in a far away place. I will come home as soon as I can,” instead of, “Stop crying about me leaving. I have to because of work.” It may seem like a subtle difference, but it is a difference.

Enhanced technology can be a wonderful thing for helping “shrink the distance”, although that doesn’t always work schedule-wise if you travel in significantly separated time zones or are on a project that starts early in the morning and ends late at night. The key point to remember is that children can and do understand about why you travel if you have two-way communications and address their concerns seriously. (That doesn’t mean agreeing to emotional blackmail, but I cover that in the book, too). So, if it’s time to pack that bag again soon, interact with your child/children prior to the trip and if the response is, “That’s okay, it’s not a big deal,” that probably means you are handling the situation well.

Serious content alert. I had a soulful conversation recently with a friend whose sister’s marriage is possibly unraveling. Like most people, she in turn, needed someone as a sounding board and I don’t mind. She doesn’t do blogs or Facebook, so there is little chance of her reading this post, not to mention that she lives quite distant from here. I don’t actually know her sister, but have heard the story for years of their financial successes – the impressive salaries, the executive home, the highend cars. No children because they wouldn’t fit in with their demanding jobs and lifestyle. (That’s a decision that a lot of people make.) Now, I don’t know if this is a correct perception or not, but my friend has always felt that the sister considered her to be lacking in ambition because she chose a different path. A professional, yet not in a job where you would ever get rich, a quite nice, although more modest home  based on the photos that I’ve seen, two children, a husband, also a professional, but no chance of making a big salary. They do okay, but no, definitely not in the same category as her sister. To the best of my knowledge there has not been overt envy, merely the understandable wistful comments at times.

As happens though, both of the couple’s companies downsized, the high-paying job no longer needed at all for the sister, a lower-paying position offered to the husband. I don’t know the details and wouldn’t want to, but apparently their income had gone mostly to fund the comfortable lifestyle and not into a savings plan to cover a sustained downturn. And for those who have never been through it, money troubles can wreak havoc on a marriage. The house, I gather, is pending or heading to foreclosure and there is a lot of anger spilling over into every conversation. Depression is apparently an issue as well and the worry in my friend’s voice can be clearly heard. I provided a shoulder and “uh,huh’d” a good bit. I will do that as often as my friend needs me to and I can only hope that everything eventually works out for everyone.