Category Archives: When Real Life Interferes

Long Distance Relationships, Romance or Avoidance?…..

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My husband and I still wonder occasionally if there was an element of fate to the fact that we arrived at the Army installation where we met only two months apart. That meant we would be in the same place for at least a year and probably longer. With our careers, it was easy to meet someone who was being assigned as you were leaving an assignment or vice-versa, so that you would have very little time to establish a relationship. He and I had both experienced that situation and since, as it turned out, we had several personal complications to navigate, we needed the time to acknowledge that our fairly instant attraction was of the sustainable variety. But to move on to the subject of long distance relationships.

The military is by no means the only mobile profession, and I have friends and acquaintances who are faced with trying to manage a long-distance relationship. Today’s technology of email, cell phones, and video calling certainly help with the ability to have pretty much daily communications, and no, I’m not about to get into the topic of sexting. There is no doubt that easier communication is important in trying to maintain a long distance relationship, especially when significantly different time zones are involved. An interesting aspect came up in a recent conversation and I was reminded of it when I was on my trip last week. The question was prefaced with the statement of, “Getting together during a long distance relationship usually equals a romantic interlude because it often lasts for no more than one to weeks,” followed by, “As much fun as that is, who can’t sustain a relationship if you’re only around each other for a week or two at a time?”

Ah, yes, that is a question to consider. Keeping the romance going in a long term relationship, whether marriage is involved or not, is the theme for a lot of talk and millions of articles/books. So, in the most common list of reasons for starting a long distance relationship – work/school/family obligations – is there also a preference for prolonged “newness”, to avoid losing the sense of excitement that can happen as you learn of one another’s habits and the routine of everyday contact? How about it readers out there – do you want to weigh in with your experience and opinions?

“Do What You Say You Will”…..

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The other day I interviewed a local man who I will not mention by name because I did not interview him for the purpose of a post. He began work in town as a young man and as he worked at his job, somewhere along the way he decided that this was what he wanted as a career, but to own the business, not merely rise in it. He did so and not quite fifty years later, he still has a hand in the business although his daughter and son run the day-to-day operation. It is not a glamorous business, but rather one of life’s necessities, and as he expanded it and became successful, he and his wife (she passed away some years ago), moved from contributing to charity to sponsoring a couple of charitable events that have become major fundraisers for both the National Mental Health Association and the Diabetes Research Foundation.

The gentleman rose in prominence in town serving on a local bank board of directors and other boards. In short, he is everything that the American Dream stands for – an ordinary beginning that became a highly successful career with a solid family. A man who created jobs, became a cornerstone within the community, and gave large sums of money to charity along the way. A capitalist – oh yes. A heartless, greedy one – not at all, although I would imagine that business competitors might have a different perspective.

. I asked what advice he would offer to young people starting out and he didn’t hesitate. “Do what you say you will and keep your word. Everything else will take care of itself.” In the swirl of daily drama that we seem to be surrounded by, these simple sentences stand in stark contrast to the ponderous statements that often come from people who speak with no intention of doing what they say they will. I salute this gentleman who has and will continue to live his life by his philosphy of, “Your word should mean everything.”

Crippled Legs, Not Spirit……

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As a stringer for our local weekly paper, I have agreed to a fairly narrow focus and human interest pieces are right up my alley. I was called on to cover a guest speaker at the Rotary Club and that was another of those occasions when I was so touched by the strength of the human spirit that I was grateful to be capturing the story. In this case, it was Nichole Rider, a woman who at age 22, was a trim, athletic college student and basketball team member who had been raised in Wyoming with a love of sports and outdoor activities. She had only a few seconds warning before the automobile accident that broke her neck and damaged her spinal cord plunged her into unconsciousness. When she finally awoke, unable to move, her parents and twin sister had spent sleepless hours not knowing if she would live.

The prognosis was grim – little more than a five percent chance that she would gain movement below her shoulders. In the months that followed, Nichole endured extraordinary pain as she battled the odds, determined to regain as much of her body as she could. The nerve damage that affected her hands was too severe to allow her to play wheelchair basketball, but wheelchair rugby was another matter. Adaptive skiing – sure, she did that, too. Although she spent many hours on the local lakes in Wyoming both growing up and after her accident, it was a trip to Miami where she became involved with Shake-a-Leg, Miami, and fell in love with sailing thanks to adaptive seating and special rigs. Nichole has not only participated  in more than a dozen competitive regattas since then, but also developed sailing and kayaking clinics that she teaches. She is engaged in numerous other activites and supports causes that are too many to list here, but her inspirational story can be accessed at a shared web site of http://www.cleverpig.org/NicholeRider/

Her slide presentations are sprinkled with messages such as, “Say Yes to Life,” and when you watch her deftly manuever her wheelchair (that’s after she’s driven herself in her adapted van), you can’t help but admire her. Nichole is headed back West for a few weeks and then plans to relocate to South Florida where she has a much longer boating season.

 

Economic Analysis of Dual Incomes……

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In the previous post on the discussion about women choosing to be stay-at-home wives and/or moms, I inserted the aspect of economic choice. When I abruptly and unexpectedly became a single parent with a four-month old, I had no real choice of not working. Continuing in my career as an Army officer was up for grabs, and I understood that was a particularly challenging choice that had the potential to become unmanageable. It didn’t, but that’s another subject.

Two income families have become routine and is expected in certain parts of our society, while not so in others. Both spouses working, however, does not always make as much economic sense as it would seem at first glance. There are costs to employment such as commuting, perhaps a certain type of wardrobe (includes dry cleaning), increased costs for restaurant meals because shopping and cooking are time consuming, cleaning and other household services, and the very large expense of childcare if applicable. During the nine-month period between my retirement from the Army and going to work for a small firm, I was surprised at how much money I was able to save by being at home. However, that was not emotionally fulfilling for me and we wanted a type of lifestyle that required supplemental income. I was in a position to earn more than I spent for employment expenses.

Computer technology has significantly enhanced remote work options and if that is viable, then some employment costs become negligible. So, in choosing a single or dual income household, there are two primary components – actual after expenses income and personal satisfaction level. (A momentary digression as I confess that I do view a stay-at-home husband differently from a stay-at-home wife and that is indeed a product of my age and upbringing. I acknowledge that there are times when the wife is in a position to have greater earning power than the husband.)

On the personal satisfaction side, there are a tremendous number of volunteer opportunities, even in small towns, and a wide array of hobbies that can be quite fulfilling. If a couple objectvely analyzes their personal financial situation, the bottom-line answer could be that the second job does not produce significant income, particularly if the second job is stressful to the individual and subsequently the family. The math is not complicated, but it does have to be done correctly and requires several months of accurately tracking expenses. It can be an eye-opener if you’ve never run the numbers and It might be an exercise worth undertaking if you are in a position to do so.

Supporting Small Businesses….

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A local bookstore I like to use.

This post might be read as veering close to politics, but that is not the intent. One of my FB friends is quite the Liberatarian and also an avid animal and nature lover. She finds great posters from different sources and puts them on FB. The animal ones tend to be cute and often humorous, the nature ones lovely, and I enjoy some of the political ones. When she found one that said, “I’m not against Capitalism, I’m against Corporate Greed. There’s a difference,” I had to agree with that.

I am an unabashed capitalist while fully promoting the sharing aspects that conscientious corporations engage in. What that has to do with supporting small businesses is this, using any of the large chain stores as an example. If you live in a town that has only small businesses, and a large store is prepared to move in, it is true that a, “Mom and Pop” place can’t compete price-wise. They may very well be “squeezed out”, although at times, that is the right thing to happen because maybe they were looking to move on and/or retire. If not, and the hope is to hold on, then a degree of re-invention and new marketing will be in order. A small operation cannot usually compete with price or inventory with a major store and in defense of large stores, there are families who truly need to save every penny they can and it is nice to have a greater range of choices.

The success of small businesses lies with those of us who don’t have to shop for the absolute lowest price and in offering goods and/or support and personal service that the large stores don’t. Networking is of utmost importance to these businesses and if they have a FB page you can “like” or a web site where you can provide testimonials, that can help. Small businesses don’t have a lot of money for marketing and spreading the word about a small business that you patronize is more important than you may realize. Or maybe there is a small business that you haven’t tried yet that you can. I don’t mind going out of my way a bit and paying that slightly higher price if I am also getting the service and product that I want. And in some cases, the price isn’t greater, depending on the situation. So, next time you need something, check around and see if there is a small business you can support.

The Anniversary of Someone’s Death….

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It is beautiful outside and I suppose this may seem to be an inappropriate topic for such a lovely day. The problem though is that Death doesn’t stop out of respect for a pretty day or a holiday and when you lose someone who you care deeply about, it is a dark day no matter what the weather is like. If you have not experienced the kind of loss that leaves you in breathless grief, and you are faced with trying to help someone who is coping with it, you may be uncertain as to what you should do. You may be fine with taking the immediate traditional actions, but what I want to talk about is something that comes later.

In general, we don’t deal well with death in our culture, and we have somehow created this “timeline” that we think is applicable. If you are not the individual who has suffered the loss, there is a tendency to view six months, and certainly a year, as this sociatially-imposed guideline for when you should be “getting on with your life”. While the individual may indeed be functioning and have dealt with estate or other “practical” matters, the kind of grief that I am talking about can reach and grab you at the most unexpected moments – a song on the radio that had shared meaning, something as mundane as a trip to the grocery store when you realize you no longer need to purchase a particular item because it was the loved one’s favorite. The passage of time does help, but adapting to the loss is not a straight-line process. There are ups, downs, U-turns, and that leads me to the main point here.

The anniversary of someone’s death can be particularly unsettling and I don’t just mean the first one. The grief can seem almost fresh and it may not be something that the person can articulate, or perhaps feel comfortable in trying to explain. If you have a friend or a loved one who is in this situation, I am not suggesting that you ask the direct question. This is the time to send one of the lovely “I’m thinking of you today” kind of cards, or make the offer of going out without stating the reason why. If the individual wishes to express why, then you are there to listen. On the other hand, the individual can take the opposite approach of wanting to very much acknowledge the day and that’s fine, too. In some cases, the individual might prefer to be alone. The main thing is to understand that emotional support can be incredibly important at that moment and you need to take your cue from the individual. If you are tempted to say, “Well, I don’t want to remind him or her”, trust me, a loving gesture from you isn’t what will trigger the memory.

Women’s History Month, Part III – College Isn’t Always the Answer…

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I don’t intend this to be a contrarian position and yes, I do very much value a college education. Let me say, however, as I mentioned in the post about math and science, all college degrees are not created equal. If college costs had not sky-rocketed as they have during the past 30 years, deciding to major in Diversity Studies, Philosophy, or a number of other liberal arts disciplines would be a matter of pursuing personal interests without perhaps an eye for practical application. With that said, as long as you understand that jobs in those areas tend to not be plentiful and skills such as written and oral communication are what you plan to bring to whatever actual job you pursue, then enjoy the time spent. Read all the philosophy you wish and plan to go into banking or whatever. With the economic reality of tens of thousands of dollars for a college education though, you at least want to try and limit a four year degree to four years. The truth is that not all high school seniors are ready for college and that is nothing to be embarrassed about.

As an Army veteran I strongly believe that if someone needs some time to “find themselves”, the military is a great place to do so for those who are physically and mentally able. I didn’t say it was an easy way, and no, not everyone will qualify. Other options though such as the Peace Corps or Americorp provide an opportunity for young people to engage in worthy projects that can help them focus on what they really want.

There are certification programs in many of the trades that may be a better answer and if your child has always shown an interest in mechanical things or has an eye toward beauty school, that is a valid way to enter the working world. Most adults will have multiple careers and rather  than spend huge sums of money that may result in a failed try at college, step back and consider if a delay is better for your son or daughter.

Taking on a part time job and going to Community College part time taking basic courses that will apply to most degrees is another approach that can be a great fit. We all want what is best for our children and our society stresses a college degree as being what is best. I have come to believe that is simply not always the truth. Choosing to attend college much later in life may be a better answer and in some cases, not attending at all is the correct choice.

Women’s History Month Part II – Math and Science as Equalizers

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Okay, everyone knows about Marie Curie and I admit that a famous female mathematician doesn’t leap to my mind, but in my last post I explained that from my perspective, the truly important point for women is the array of choices that we have, more so than in past generations. During my 22 years in the Army I learned to do things that I hadn’t thought possible, especially in the first few years when men were still trying to absorb the fact that women were coming into previously restricted military specialities and assignments. I watched other women do the same and while not all were successful, it taught me some valuable lessons about stepping well outside your comfort zone. However, the doors that could have been opened to me had we understood it when I was younger were math and science. Interestingly, my older sister was inclined to science and good in math from as early as I can recall. Despite the fact that we were in a small town, there was a female science teacher in junior high school who saw that desire in my sister and nutured it from the beginning. (My older sister was also perfect, but that’s another subject.) I was neck-and-neck with my sister academically until I moved from basic arthimetic. When I struggled with algebra, the standard phrase of, “girls aren’t supposed to be good in math”, gave me the out that I needed. I was smart, but not in that and hey, when would I ever really need geometry? My sister was winning science awards left and right, acing trig and calculus, but I could talk rings around her with literature.

I kid you not that she went straight through from first grade to her PhD in Biochemistry, or maybe it was Cell Biology, and let us say that my path included as little science and math as I could get away with. The truth though is that while sure, some people are more obviously inclined to math and science than others, the fear, and therefore reluctance, that most children/adolescents have with regard to math and science can be fairly easily overcome with proper teaching. Now, I am not going to enter into the debate about the shape of our schools, and the education of children in general, because that is a multi-faceted subject. My point is that we still culturally immediately accept when girls don’t want to do math and science. A number of organizations and programs have developed to combat this inclination and if you don’t know about the work of Danica McKellar, former television star (“Wonder Years” and “West Wing”), who has authored books like, “Math Doesn’t Suck”, and become a major advocate for girls overcoming their fear of math, please visit her site of, http://www.mathdoesn’tsuck.com

When we consciously or unconsciously promote the idea that, “math and science aren’t for girls”, we do not only a disservice to girls, but also to ourselves as we lose our standing among other nations with regards to these disciplines. Not all mathematicians are scientifically oriented, but all scientists and engineers need math. Since I don’t have an artistic flair, had I become an engineer, I would have gravitated to the civil engineering side and implemented plans that others designed, but none of that was possible when I wasn’t willing to go beyond fundamental arthimetic. Would I have been better for it? I don’t know, but I love it when I watch Kari Byron on “Mythbusters”, or see interviews with women working in robotics, astronomy, etc.

So if you are in a position to influence a girl/adolescent who is certain she can’t “do math or science”, take some time to find out why and perhaps you can help her overcome the fear – even if you didn’t choose those subjects. I am not saying we don’t need artists, musicians, literature majors, and so forth. I am saying though that we may be closing doors that can be opened wide to lead to other paths.

 

 

Women’s History Month, Part I – It’s About Choices…..

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This is actually going to be a three-part post because it would be entirely too long for a single one. Let’s begin with the admission that as a Baby Boomer, my life view has modified since I was eighteen. I had a life plan laid out that was a good plan and it’s difficult to know how things might have been for me had I kept to the plan. In reality I had two plans, neither of which I followed, although both had me remaining in small towns in Louisiana in a professional capacity. I was in that generation of women who anticipated having a career outside the home and balancing all that came with that – the “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” of the Helen Reddy song, and I indeed embraced the sexual revolution. No drugs other than alcohol, but I am straying from the point.

I set upon a different path though, one that caused me to be an inadvertent pioneer in the Army. While my “groundbreaking assignments” seem mild now compared to what women are doing, I can genuinely claim to have mentored some of those women. Along the way though I have encountered women who are so stridently feminist that they cannot see accomplishment unless it falls within their narrow definition, and on the other end of the spectrum, I do know women who are convinced that women have no place outside the home.

What I have come to embrace is that liberation in this, as in so many other things, is about choice – genuine choice. Are there still people who perpetuate a “glass ceiling”? Sure, but from my personal experience, they have significantly diminshed in number. Girls and women today have extensive opportunity from a career perspective if that is what they choose to do. On the other hand, if you look at childcare, commuting, and other work-related expenses, it sometimes makes economic sense for a woman to choose to be a stay-at-home mother rather than having/continuing/returning to a career, if that is what she also wishes to do from an emotional aspect. Neither position is intrinsically superior to the other, and it is when we try and claim so that causes acrimony among “the sisterhood”.

Genuine choice from my definition is that girls and women recognize the incredible range of options they can pursue. Some will be vastly more difficult than others, some may well run counter to cultural, familial, or social expectations. I firmly feel that it is my role as an older woman to help show girls/younger women that it is okay to step outside those barriers if they wish to do so. If they prefer to remain inside those expectations, that’s okay, too, as long as it is a choice freely made.

So here is a salute to women through the ages who have been warrior queens, who have made leaps in science, who have made aviation history, who have served as prime ministers of countries, and those who have cared for scraped knees, baked cookies, and kept a household together. Let us remember that there is room in the sisterhood for us all.

Mistakes and Lies….

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This is not a light–hearted post, but one that may strike a chord. Many of us in life have made careless or incredibly stupid mistakes that we sometimes initially lie about. Why? Because we’re really embarrassed, because we think it’s a small enough lie that it won’t be found out, or one of several other reasons. That leads into two points about lying in a case like this. First, if caught in a lie of this nature, there is usually a time period when you can ‘fess up’ and work through it. Second, trying to cover up the first lie is what frequently sets unpleasant happenings into motion. The saying, “What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive,” is as true today as when it was penned.

The thing about mistakes though is that sometimes, particularly if the person you have lied to doesn’t like you/trust you, a genuine mistake can be perceived as a lie. For example, you have a project at work and you are about to miss a critical deadline. Let’s say a few things have gone wrong and you’re trying to adjust the timeline to minimize missing the deadline. Let’s also say though that back when the project was being planned, someone warned you that this could occur and you weren’t really paying attention or you literally put the warning out of your mind. Another individual (or that same one) brings the discussion up and you defensively deny it. That is actually a mistake because you genuinely didn’t remember, but when an email or other “trail” is produced, your denial of knowing about the warning can be viewed as a lie. Even if you convince most people that it was a mistake, others may choose to continue to think of it as a lie. There is little you can do to change their minds. A genuinely humble meeting to clear the air might work, or it might not.

What you do at that stage will also depend on who the individual is (or individuals are). If your very credibility is damaged with people that matter to your continued employment/relationship, it may be time to move on and accept it as an unfortunate episode that you hopefully learn from. If they are not of particular importance, then you may still be able to take a lesson of value from the incident. The flip side of the coin is if you are faced with trying to determine if a person made a mistake or is lying to you. It is rarely a comfortable thing and if you decide it was a mistake, it may still impact your relationship with the individual. That goes back to an earlier post about why genuine apologies are so important; that is usually the best way to heal a breach of credibility.

The sad truth though is that people we trust are capable of lying and betrayal. That will be the subject of the next post.