Category Archives: When Real Life Interferes

Family Histories and Memoirs…….

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Among my other endeavors, I thoroughly enjoy guest speaking – big group, small group, doesn’t matter. I have a page on my website, http://charliehudson.net that lists the primary topics I speak to, and one of them is “Everyone Has a Story: Creating Family Histories and Memoirs”. While I have always had an interest in family history, it was really brought home to me during the period when I was coping with my first mother-in-law’s health crises that ended in her death and the settling of the estate. That experience, was of course, the background for my book, Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid, and in Part 2 of the book, I have a section about writing your family history or memoirs.

As a quick differentiation, capturing the family history may be guided by one person, but it is likely to involve multiple members of the family, whereas memoirs in general will be told by one or two people with perhaps input from others. Both are likely to contain old photos, maybe recipes, letters, etc., and perhaps portions from a professional geneaologist. The primary point that I make in my presentations is that in our mobile society, it is so easy to lose track of those stories and that as we (or whomever) in the family reaches later years, capturing those family memories and stories can be a wonderful project. Today’s technology and internet can be great resources and the project can be launched to coincide with a birthday, anniversary, family reunion, and so forth. One of the things that my father has mentioned (and even though he’s in good health for his age, he is having memory issues) is that when he was a boy, they didn’t have electricity or running water in the house. It existed, but not in the really rural areas and few people had vehicles. Think of the change between then and now from both a technology and availability perspective. Do you really think those are stories that should just disappear? And that is how I close the presentation. If you don’t capture these memories, who will? So, if you’re casting about for something interesting to do or have an older relative who is, this might be the time to get started.

Shingles And We Boomers…….

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Okay, any GenXer’s can chuckle, but I was reminded the other day about the reality of we Baby Boomers and outbreaks of Shingles. “Back in the day” there was no vaccine against chicken pox. It was a 3-5 day period of itching and threats from our mothers to not scratch or else face being scarred for life and if I recall correctly, sometimes you were supposed to stay in low light, but that might have been for the measels. Anyway, the accepted practice at the time was whenever a kid got chicken pox, any friends that hadn’t had it were sent over to “play” in order to catch it. The theory was that it wasn’t serious and the sooner you got over it the better because you were then immune. That was correct in so far as that went, and few kids suffered complicaitons. After the chicken pox vaccine came out, no one even thought about it. We certainly never thought that the pesky chicken pox virus would remain dormant inside us to potentially pop out as Shingles beginning at or around 60. Another of life’s little ironies.

My sister had a terrible, long lasting outbreak of Shingles a couple of years ago and one our neighbors is currently going through it. There is a vaccine and the general medical advise is for all Baby Boomers to have it, especially as we approach age 60. It is on my to-do list and I’ll drag my husband along or remind him the next time he has an appointment. We’re both in good health, but this is one of those things that really does have a simple fix that we shouldn’t procrastinate about. So, fellow and sister Boomers – Shingles vaccine – check into it.

Perspective and Anger….

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Most of us have flaws of one sort or the other and back in the days when I was involved in  “touchy-feeley” work, the popular term was “Self Defeating Behavoir”. That was an easy one for me to identify – anger. I do realize that I am not alone in this or there wouldn’t be an entire category now of “Anger Management”. As the Country and Western song says, “I’m not as good as I’m going to be, but I’m better than I used to be.” I have actually improved to at least some degree.

My husband, bless him, copes with my flaw better than anyone and has far more practice at it than he deserves, but that’s another discussion. The other day, I was not quite on a rant about a policy that was upsetting me, although I was working up to one and he gently interceded. His comment (more or less) was, “Think for a minute. You spent a career in the Army – you went by dumber rules than this. Put it into perspective.”

Ah yes, smack me on the forehead – he was correct. This was one of those things that I had lost perspective on and it was most assuredly an irritant, but not worth the level of emotion I was expending. It’s along the same lines as the “Count to Ten” method, but I had/have a habit of zipping through the “ten count” quickly and declaring it not to work. As much as I struggle though, I will say that the one place where I do practice delay is sticking an email into draft as a precaution. I genuinely think that a lot of irate ones go out because the “Send” button is too close to the “Draft”.

Anyway, I think that I am ready at this point to calmly express my concern (see, not the word outrage) about this particular policy and we shall see what becomes of it. And this is a case where I may not have all the information that I think I have and I discover that the policy does make sense. On the other hand, if it turns out that it really is a stupid policy set forth by some over-controlling bureaucrat who has no other way to feed his or her self-esteem except through the use of petty power, well then, we will see….

 

Long Distance Relationships, Romance or Avoidance?…..

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My husband and I still wonder occasionally if there was an element of fate to the fact that we arrived at the Army installation where we met only two months apart. That meant we would be in the same place for at least a year and probably longer. With our careers, it was easy to meet someone who was being assigned as you were leaving an assignment or vice-versa, so that you would have very little time to establish a relationship. He and I had both experienced that situation and since, as it turned out, we had several personal complications to navigate, we needed the time to acknowledge that our fairly instant attraction was of the sustainable variety. But to move on to the subject of long distance relationships.

The military is by no means the only mobile profession, and I have friends and acquaintances who are faced with trying to manage a long-distance relationship. Today’s technology of email, cell phones, and video calling certainly help with the ability to have pretty much daily communications, and no, I’m not about to get into the topic of sexting. There is no doubt that easier communication is important in trying to maintain a long distance relationship, especially when significantly different time zones are involved. An interesting aspect came up in a recent conversation and I was reminded of it when I was on my trip last week. The question was prefaced with the statement of, “Getting together during a long distance relationship usually equals a romantic interlude because it often lasts for no more than one to weeks,” followed by, “As much fun as that is, who can’t sustain a relationship if you’re only around each other for a week or two at a time?”

Ah, yes, that is a question to consider. Keeping the romance going in a long term relationship, whether marriage is involved or not, is the theme for a lot of talk and millions of articles/books. So, in the most common list of reasons for starting a long distance relationship – work/school/family obligations – is there also a preference for prolonged “newness”, to avoid losing the sense of excitement that can happen as you learn of one another’s habits and the routine of everyday contact? How about it readers out there – do you want to weigh in with your experience and opinions?

“Do What You Say You Will”…..

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The other day I interviewed a local man who I will not mention by name because I did not interview him for the purpose of a post. He began work in town as a young man and as he worked at his job, somewhere along the way he decided that this was what he wanted as a career, but to own the business, not merely rise in it. He did so and not quite fifty years later, he still has a hand in the business although his daughter and son run the day-to-day operation. It is not a glamorous business, but rather one of life’s necessities, and as he expanded it and became successful, he and his wife (she passed away some years ago), moved from contributing to charity to sponsoring a couple of charitable events that have become major fundraisers for both the National Mental Health Association and the Diabetes Research Foundation.

The gentleman rose in prominence in town serving on a local bank board of directors and other boards. In short, he is everything that the American Dream stands for – an ordinary beginning that became a highly successful career with a solid family. A man who created jobs, became a cornerstone within the community, and gave large sums of money to charity along the way. A capitalist – oh yes. A heartless, greedy one – not at all, although I would imagine that business competitors might have a different perspective.

. I asked what advice he would offer to young people starting out and he didn’t hesitate. “Do what you say you will and keep your word. Everything else will take care of itself.” In the swirl of daily drama that we seem to be surrounded by, these simple sentences stand in stark contrast to the ponderous statements that often come from people who speak with no intention of doing what they say they will. I salute this gentleman who has and will continue to live his life by his philosphy of, “Your word should mean everything.”

Crippled Legs, Not Spirit……

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As a stringer for our local weekly paper, I have agreed to a fairly narrow focus and human interest pieces are right up my alley. I was called on to cover a guest speaker at the Rotary Club and that was another of those occasions when I was so touched by the strength of the human spirit that I was grateful to be capturing the story. In this case, it was Nichole Rider, a woman who at age 22, was a trim, athletic college student and basketball team member who had been raised in Wyoming with a love of sports and outdoor activities. She had only a few seconds warning before the automobile accident that broke her neck and damaged her spinal cord plunged her into unconsciousness. When she finally awoke, unable to move, her parents and twin sister had spent sleepless hours not knowing if she would live.

The prognosis was grim – little more than a five percent chance that she would gain movement below her shoulders. In the months that followed, Nichole endured extraordinary pain as she battled the odds, determined to regain as much of her body as she could. The nerve damage that affected her hands was too severe to allow her to play wheelchair basketball, but wheelchair rugby was another matter. Adaptive skiing – sure, she did that, too. Although she spent many hours on the local lakes in Wyoming both growing up and after her accident, it was a trip to Miami where she became involved with Shake-a-Leg, Miami, and fell in love with sailing thanks to adaptive seating and special rigs. Nichole has not only participated  in more than a dozen competitive regattas since then, but also developed sailing and kayaking clinics that she teaches. She is engaged in numerous other activites and supports causes that are too many to list here, but her inspirational story can be accessed at a shared web site of http://www.cleverpig.org/NicholeRider/

Her slide presentations are sprinkled with messages such as, “Say Yes to Life,” and when you watch her deftly manuever her wheelchair (that’s after she’s driven herself in her adapted van), you can’t help but admire her. Nichole is headed back West for a few weeks and then plans to relocate to South Florida where she has a much longer boating season.

 

Economic Analysis of Dual Incomes……

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In the previous post on the discussion about women choosing to be stay-at-home wives and/or moms, I inserted the aspect of economic choice. When I abruptly and unexpectedly became a single parent with a four-month old, I had no real choice of not working. Continuing in my career as an Army officer was up for grabs, and I understood that was a particularly challenging choice that had the potential to become unmanageable. It didn’t, but that’s another subject.

Two income families have become routine and is expected in certain parts of our society, while not so in others. Both spouses working, however, does not always make as much economic sense as it would seem at first glance. There are costs to employment such as commuting, perhaps a certain type of wardrobe (includes dry cleaning), increased costs for restaurant meals because shopping and cooking are time consuming, cleaning and other household services, and the very large expense of childcare if applicable. During the nine-month period between my retirement from the Army and going to work for a small firm, I was surprised at how much money I was able to save by being at home. However, that was not emotionally fulfilling for me and we wanted a type of lifestyle that required supplemental income. I was in a position to earn more than I spent for employment expenses.

Computer technology has significantly enhanced remote work options and if that is viable, then some employment costs become negligible. So, in choosing a single or dual income household, there are two primary components – actual after expenses income and personal satisfaction level. (A momentary digression as I confess that I do view a stay-at-home husband differently from a stay-at-home wife and that is indeed a product of my age and upbringing. I acknowledge that there are times when the wife is in a position to have greater earning power than the husband.)

On the personal satisfaction side, there are a tremendous number of volunteer opportunities, even in small towns, and a wide array of hobbies that can be quite fulfilling. If a couple objectvely analyzes their personal financial situation, the bottom-line answer could be that the second job does not produce significant income, particularly if the second job is stressful to the individual and subsequently the family. The math is not complicated, but it does have to be done correctly and requires several months of accurately tracking expenses. It can be an eye-opener if you’ve never run the numbers and It might be an exercise worth undertaking if you are in a position to do so.

Supporting Small Businesses….

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A local bookstore I like to use.

This post might be read as veering close to politics, but that is not the intent. One of my FB friends is quite the Liberatarian and also an avid animal and nature lover. She finds great posters from different sources and puts them on FB. The animal ones tend to be cute and often humorous, the nature ones lovely, and I enjoy some of the political ones. When she found one that said, “I’m not against Capitalism, I’m against Corporate Greed. There’s a difference,” I had to agree with that.

I am an unabashed capitalist while fully promoting the sharing aspects that conscientious corporations engage in. What that has to do with supporting small businesses is this, using any of the large chain stores as an example. If you live in a town that has only small businesses, and a large store is prepared to move in, it is true that a, “Mom and Pop” place can’t compete price-wise. They may very well be “squeezed out”, although at times, that is the right thing to happen because maybe they were looking to move on and/or retire. If not, and the hope is to hold on, then a degree of re-invention and new marketing will be in order. A small operation cannot usually compete with price or inventory with a major store and in defense of large stores, there are families who truly need to save every penny they can and it is nice to have a greater range of choices.

The success of small businesses lies with those of us who don’t have to shop for the absolute lowest price and in offering goods and/or support and personal service that the large stores don’t. Networking is of utmost importance to these businesses and if they have a FB page you can “like” or a web site where you can provide testimonials, that can help. Small businesses don’t have a lot of money for marketing and spreading the word about a small business that you patronize is more important than you may realize. Or maybe there is a small business that you haven’t tried yet that you can. I don’t mind going out of my way a bit and paying that slightly higher price if I am also getting the service and product that I want. And in some cases, the price isn’t greater, depending on the situation. So, next time you need something, check around and see if there is a small business you can support.

The Anniversary of Someone’s Death….

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It is beautiful outside and I suppose this may seem to be an inappropriate topic for such a lovely day. The problem though is that Death doesn’t stop out of respect for a pretty day or a holiday and when you lose someone who you care deeply about, it is a dark day no matter what the weather is like. If you have not experienced the kind of loss that leaves you in breathless grief, and you are faced with trying to help someone who is coping with it, you may be uncertain as to what you should do. You may be fine with taking the immediate traditional actions, but what I want to talk about is something that comes later.

In general, we don’t deal well with death in our culture, and we have somehow created this “timeline” that we think is applicable. If you are not the individual who has suffered the loss, there is a tendency to view six months, and certainly a year, as this sociatially-imposed guideline for when you should be “getting on with your life”. While the individual may indeed be functioning and have dealt with estate or other “practical” matters, the kind of grief that I am talking about can reach and grab you at the most unexpected moments – a song on the radio that had shared meaning, something as mundane as a trip to the grocery store when you realize you no longer need to purchase a particular item because it was the loved one’s favorite. The passage of time does help, but adapting to the loss is not a straight-line process. There are ups, downs, U-turns, and that leads me to the main point here.

The anniversary of someone’s death can be particularly unsettling and I don’t just mean the first one. The grief can seem almost fresh and it may not be something that the person can articulate, or perhaps feel comfortable in trying to explain. If you have a friend or a loved one who is in this situation, I am not suggesting that you ask the direct question. This is the time to send one of the lovely “I’m thinking of you today” kind of cards, or make the offer of going out without stating the reason why. If the individual wishes to express why, then you are there to listen. On the other hand, the individual can take the opposite approach of wanting to very much acknowledge the day and that’s fine, too. In some cases, the individual might prefer to be alone. The main thing is to understand that emotional support can be incredibly important at that moment and you need to take your cue from the individual. If you are tempted to say, “Well, I don’t want to remind him or her”, trust me, a loving gesture from you isn’t what will trigger the memory.

Women’s History Month, Part III – College Isn’t Always the Answer…

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I don’t intend this to be a contrarian position and yes, I do very much value a college education. Let me say, however, as I mentioned in the post about math and science, all college degrees are not created equal. If college costs had not sky-rocketed as they have during the past 30 years, deciding to major in Diversity Studies, Philosophy, or a number of other liberal arts disciplines would be a matter of pursuing personal interests without perhaps an eye for practical application. With that said, as long as you understand that jobs in those areas tend to not be plentiful and skills such as written and oral communication are what you plan to bring to whatever actual job you pursue, then enjoy the time spent. Read all the philosophy you wish and plan to go into banking or whatever. With the economic reality of tens of thousands of dollars for a college education though, you at least want to try and limit a four year degree to four years. The truth is that not all high school seniors are ready for college and that is nothing to be embarrassed about.

As an Army veteran I strongly believe that if someone needs some time to “find themselves”, the military is a great place to do so for those who are physically and mentally able. I didn’t say it was an easy way, and no, not everyone will qualify. Other options though such as the Peace Corps or Americorp provide an opportunity for young people to engage in worthy projects that can help them focus on what they really want.

There are certification programs in many of the trades that may be a better answer and if your child has always shown an interest in mechanical things or has an eye toward beauty school, that is a valid way to enter the working world. Most adults will have multiple careers and rather  than spend huge sums of money that may result in a failed try at college, step back and consider if a delay is better for your son or daughter.

Taking on a part time job and going to Community College part time taking basic courses that will apply to most degrees is another approach that can be a great fit. We all want what is best for our children and our society stresses a college degree as being what is best. I have come to believe that is simply not always the truth. Choosing to attend college much later in life may be a better answer and in some cases, not attending at all is the correct choice.