Category Archives: When Real Life Interferes

When There Are No Good Options…..

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Emotional content alert to this post. Sadly, there are situations that we face where there are no good options – no re-set button, no last minute rescue, but rather having to choose the least bad of whatever options remain. In most cases, these overwhelming crises fall into economic, relationship, and extended medical care categories on the personal level. (I’m not about to get into the global level.) When you have a friend or relative who is facing such a thing, it can be heartbreaking to watch and at times, you may even feel a blast of anger because the individual looks to you to come up with a magical answer, a solution not thought of before and when you cannot, there is a need to lash out. This can be true whether the crisis is created through unfairness, poor choices on the part of the individual in trouble, or a combination of those and other factors. Sometimes the most difficult part is trying not to return the anger or not allow guilt to enter thinking that surely there must “be something” that you can do. Stepping back from a situation and seeking outside counsel might also be practical since most of us can occasionally not be able to see the forest for the trees. However, going back to the first part of this post, there may truly be times when a friend or relative is plunging for a fall and there is in fact, not one thing that will prevent it. Ultimately, all you might be able to do is offer emotional support, because if a portion of an individual’s life is literally coming unraveled, the odds are that they will need a strong shoulder to cry on. In fact, even though I don’t know the origin of this quotation, it may be that, “A friend is someone who helps you up when you’re down and if they can’t they lay beside you and listen.”

Holding Onto Grudges……

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It was another of those interesting lunchtime conversations where yes, a glass (or two) of wine was involved. It had to do with an incident that had occurred with my lunch companion involving another individual who has an abrasive personality and is prone (allegedly) to holding grudges. That set into motion the discussion about what is the difference in simply disliking another person (for whatever reason) and holding a grudge. After all, if you don’t like a person, there is normally a root cause, and does that root cause then mean that you are holding a grudge? We tossed that around for a bit and came to the conclusion that no, holding a grudge was a special type of reaction.

After all, there are simply personalities that you don’t like, although you can’t always clearly define why. (The fairness of that response is not in question here.) In other cases, an individual may have done you harm to some degree and that is why you don’t like that person. If that is the case, and if you have made that known, attempted to rectify the situation, and been rebuffed, then not liking that person is not the same as holding a grudge. If, on the other hand, the individual is unaware of having wronged you in whatever manner, you refuse to confront the issue, and you seek to “get even” at some point, that is holding a grudge. Having confronted an issue, being unsatisfied with the outcome, and continuing to dislike the other person is a bit “mushier”. Maybe an apology wasn’t extended, or maybe you perceived it as not sincere. Okay, then disliking the person is understandable – it is when you hope for an opportunity to “get even” that the question of holding a grudge comes in. And perhaps, more importantly, if you get and take an opportunity to “get even”, do you consider the matter settled, or do you seek yet another opportunity? This is where we determined you have crossed the line into active grudge-holding. Of course, if we’d had another glass of wine, perhaps we would have come to a different conclusion. Thoughts on this one?

One Movie Scene, Two Perspectives…..

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I hadn’t seen “A League of Their Own” for quite some time and caught the last half hour of it yesterday. Unless you’re a real baseball or WW II history fan, I’m not sure how many people knew about the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League that played from 1943-1954. The movie was a fictionalized account, and notwithstanding Hollywood’s lack of historical accuracy in many movies, it certainly had the proper period feel even if it might have been lacking in facts. (On the other hand, since I don’t know the history, they may have gotten very close with this one.) It’s a Penny Marshall film with a great cast and in a nutshell, begins with the older Dottie (played by Geena Davis) trying to decide if she will attend the induction of the League into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Most of the movie is then in flashback to the first year of the League and all the ups, downs, drama, and humor. And yes, the famous line, “There’s no crying in baseball,” came from that movie.

It is the final twenty minutes or so that I am posting about though and I used this illustration in Your Room At The End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid. The last part of the movie brings us back to the present with the players now as seniors and they have an exhibition game for old-times sake. I found that to be a wonderful scene and thoroughly enjoyed it. I was truly surprised when a friend of mine took exactly the opposite view as we discussed the movie one day. She found that same scene to be depressing because here the women were, no longer the attractive, athletic versions they’d been when gracing the cover of magazines. She was correct in that they were wrinkled, some a bit heavy, for sure slower in their movements. To me, it was, however, an affirmation of the vibrancy that was simply another stage of their lives. Any thoughts on this one?

Sunscreen……..

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I haven’t looked the studies up, but I saw a headline the other day that there has been a noticeable rise in cases of skin cancer in young women. Since we have lived in tropical climates for some time now, we are sensitive to the issue of sunscreen, but of course, not living in a warm climate can give a false sense of security for people, especially if one is already of a darker skin tone. However, as can be seen on many sites to include http://dermatology.about.com, all skin is vulnerable to sun exposure and using a low-level sunscreen (SPF 15) daily is an effective means of combating this. From a cosmetic perspective, sunscreen also helps hold wrinkles at bay.

If the cosmetic industry depended on me, they would take a drastic nose-dive in the stock market. However, a very long time ago, an older woman that I worked with told me that if I would just be sure and cleanse well and moisturize, that would make a tremendous difference in my skin. I did take that advice, although during those days about all I could afford was Noxzema (which I still think is a great product). Having attained a better financial posture, I don’t buy the really expensive stuff, but I am careful to buy a moisturizer that also has sunscreen. Fifteen is the minimum and I prefer 28-30. That’s for daily use and when I go out on the boat, I apply regular sunscreen, but I use the one for babies. Yes, I know it sounds a little odd, but here’s the thing – whose skin needs protecting more than a baby’s? Hats, too, hats are a good thing in a climate like ours.

Anyway, please give this some serious thought it you haven’t considered it lately and especially if you have influence over young women who might think sunscreen is a waste of time.

 

How We Think Now…..

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Serious content alert! A luncheon conversation did it again – set me to thinking about one of the important themes of my book, Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid. In this particular case, it has to do with knowing when you really are “too old” for a task or activity. I’m not talking about a physical thing here, although that certainly does happen. Being no longer able to carry an heavy object or climb up on a ladder without the real risk of falling, or something of that nature, is in a way, easier to accept because there is a physical impediment that can be defined. In other cases, as in this particular discussion, it is the far more distressing point of discovering that you may no longer have the mental acuity to manage a specific task or set of tasks. Worse, is having other people tell you that you are no longer able. Most of us like to believe that we will recognize that point and gracefully hand over the reins, maybe make a bit of a joke. If you haven’t experienced this with an older person in your own life, talk to someone who routinely works with the elderly and run that one by them. One of the things that I learned in working through writing Your Room was to acknowledge the fear (that is often accompanied by anger) of “becoming useless”, and especially of being pushed aside because someone perceives you in that manner.

What does one do about this? What I have come to believe is that a genuine analysis of a situation is the starting point and if you can’t objectively analyze, then ask for another “pair of eyes”. Is it that an individual can no longer do a task or that the individual can no longer do the task as quickly or as efficiently as before? There is a difference and it might be a big difference. Managing a checkbook is an example. Perhaps the individual was once meticulous in maintaining a checkbook down to the penny. Maybe that individual now labors much longer over the task, asking for you to double check their math, perhaps forgetting sometimes to enter a debit or deposit. If it is only occasionally, and doesn’t cause an overdraw, is it really time to consider taking away the management of the checkbook? Now, if there are multiple missing entries, and especially confusion about the missing entries (or duplicate entries), that’s probably cause for concern.

There are no easy answers here, no “one size fits all” measure, but what I would suggest is that if you do quickly reach in to “help” with something or become impatient because a previously simple task now requires double or triple the time, that you step back and try and view the situation from the other individual’s perspective. You may find that you are too quickly leaping to the conclusion that someone is “too old” for a task. If you are correct, however, try to handle it with as much dignity as possible for the other person.

Those Blurry Lines…….

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Alert! Musing content trending toward serious. In the miniseries, “Lonesome Dove”, the two main characters of Gus and Call were former Texas Rangers as was a third friend, Jake. Of the three, Call was the most rigid when it came to questions of good and bad, Gus was more philosophical and Jake tended to get into more trouble than the others. At one point in the series, Jake strikes out on his own, but it is dangerous territory and he winds up with two men who are in fact not averse to theft and murder. This was not Jake’s intent of course and as the tragedy unfolds, Gus and Call are forced to acknowledge that Jake is involved. During the intensifying situation, Jake protests his innocence about “having crossed the line”, with the exclamation of, “I didn’t see no line. I was just trying to get through the territory.” (Or words to that effect)

That is an incredibly accurate description for so many of us about many things. Seeing the line between right and wrong is often difficult and like in a rapid sport, it can be easy to step across the line before you realize it. In the realm of “right and wrong” though there is the complication of lines being blurred when you ask yourself honestly where a particular line is. Does the line exist because you believe it to, or because you have generally accepted it as a line? Does a line now exist where it did not before or vice-versa? What we once believed to be harmless fun, we might now come to see is hurtful. Or perhaps something that we once thought was inappropriate, we now put into perspective as no big deal. Yet in the desire to be “non-judgmental” do we run the risk of losing all standards? And where does “sticking to your principles” become an unwillingness to honestly examine a position to see if perhaps you should change? No easy answers here, are there?

 

Adults Make Trade-offs…….

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Serious Content Alert! In a number of conversations over the past few weeks, I have solidified my belief that goals, dreams, and fantasies are a good way to measure maturity. One has dreams and sets goals to achieve those dreams and who doesn’t enjoy thinking how one would spend that $560 million dollar lottery winning? I’ve written other posts on this subject before, yet there are constant permutations to the theme. Recent events have caused us to once again take a look at plans we’d made for our future and begin to make some adjustments. Those are not the subject of this post since a) we’re just beginning that process, and b) multiple factors are involved and we don’t know for sure how they will play out.

The point, however, is that in the real world where most of us dwell, a time comes when it is important to differentiate between dreams and fantasies. Mature thinking means that you sit and realize, “Okay, this is the likely scenario of what our real resources are and what we can accomplish/have/do.” Clinging to a fantasy of what you want to have “someday” even when you are faced with limited resources of money, time, or availability, is a path to disappointment and stress. In some cases, it can also damage relationships as you seek to “blame someone or something for preventing you from having what you want.” That, my friends, does not always mean giving up on a dream – there are times when some adjustment, a slightly new angle of looking at something, a change here or there might still make it happen. However, you may also have to take a hard look at, is it a dream, or has it crossed into the realm of fantasy? Years ago when I had my ROTC assignment, there was a sign in the Business Department that said, “1968 – If I could just make $40,000 a year, I’d be on Easy Street. 1988 – They moved Easy Street.”

If you are indeed faced with Easy Street (or whatever the equivalent is in your situation), having moved, it’s moved. Do you work longer, do you change some plans you had, do you adjust some priorities? These are trade-offs, and for your and your spouse/partner/significant other’s, sake if you are required to make some of those serious trade-offs, then do so consciously in the least painful way possible and then understand it for what it is. Genuinely come to terms with it and understand that a little grieving may even be in order. The loss of a dream is a loss. Not on the scale with some others, but there can definitely be a pang of longing. It’s better to feel and recognize that moment of sorrow than to bury the resentment where it might well fester. Life happens and letting go of the dream of making a cruise around the world doesn’t mean you can’t take shorter trips to other places you’d like to visit. Will it be the same? No? It means you add that cruise to your fantasy list and enjoy the good things in life that you do have,

Crashing on Deadlines…..

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This will be closer to a tweet than a blog because I am in my second straight week of crashing on what was two and became three critical deadlines all due by either yesterday or today. More to follow with a decent post tomorrow that will be entitled, “Making Trade-offs (Updated)” since that topic is closely aligned with what is going on at the moment. Ah well, we can’t always control the timing of things around us.

Root of Responsibility……..

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Musing content alert! We are fans of the series, “Game of Thrones”, although we haven’t read the books because, quite frankly, I tried and the body count was simply too much for my taste. The series is bad enough with that and I will attempt to be careful in writing this so that if someone hasn’t watched the last few episodes, it won’t be a spoiler.

As a quick summation, the “Game of Thrones” refers to the constant jostling among the seven major houses (kingdoms) as to who will rule and sit on the Iron Throne. The king who had brought everyone more or less into line died and an event occurred that caused a war to erupt with the claim that the very young (and quite unbalanced) King is not the rightful heir. His maternal line is the powerful house of Lannister and so far, they’re managing pretty well to retain their hold on power. It is the grandfather who not only wields the real power, but who understands the machinations and has outmaneuvered those he considers a threat. Which brings me to the point of the blog.

In the season finale, a brutal event is set into motion by the grandfather and one of his sons questions the lack of honor in the action. “I did it to stop this war,” is the answer. “Why is it considered more honorable for 10,000 men to die on a battlefield than for a dozen to die thusly?” (I just paraphrased that). Okay, that would seem to be a good question and you think, well, yes, perhaps that would be justified. Except – the core point is that while the war was launched by another house, it was the specific action of the young King that precipitated the response. And, if the grandfather was willing to face the truth, he would learn that perhaps the young King’s hold on the throne is in fact dubious at best. Ergo, his claim of desire to end the war (while ensuring his family stays in power) fails to address where the actual responsibility lies.

I will grant that in this scenario, admission of responsibility is likely to end in significant bloodshed, but in the metaphorical sense, the “bloodshed” can mean adverse career or relationship impact. It is, too often, the wish to avoid those impacts that cause individuals to obscure responsibility when an action he or she goes badly.

An Interesting Aspect of Group Dynamics…….

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This will be a short post and part of the reason for that is that I am engaged in a project that has taken a complicated turn. It is related to previous posts when I’ve discussed mistakes that people make and how to respond to those mistakes when you are on the receiving end, and how you might react if you are the one making a mistake. This is the time when by “mistake”, I don’t mean you forgot to buy ketchup when you went to the store and you have to go back for another trip or do without. I am referring instead to one of those types of mistakes where you impact multiple other people to the point of risking both the end goal of a project and the deadline. Discovering a major error is one thing. Discovering a major error when there is a serious time crunch is another.

That also leads into two issues – the first is resolving the error and meeting the deadline, the next is how to handle the error with the individual who made it. That happens to not be my concern here, although I will get drawn in simply because it is a small group and that’s part of group dynamics. In helping resolve the error, we are working to do so in a manner that will permit everyone to save face. However, that may not be a perception shared by everyone in the group. In that event, as they say, “Things could get messy.” Hopefully, despite the significant extra work, all will be smoothed over. So, how about it, readers? Care to share tales of similar situations?