Serious Content Alert! As I have written in previous posts, I feel strongly that almost every Baby Boomer needs a copy of Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid for three reasons – to face our parents or other loved one’s aging, to face our own aging, and to think of those things that we must discuss with our adult children or younger individuals who are likely to be a part of our aging when the time comes that we can no longer live as independently as we would like to. No matter how rationally we try to approach this subject, if we are being truly honest with ourselves, we just don’t see that we’re going to become that infirmed old person who can’t manage. Somehow, someway, that isn’t going to happen to us and we are almost as reluctant to realize it is happening to our parent/parents. It usually manifests in a medical emergency first, although it might be an unsettling memory lapse or bout of extreme confusion. That call from the neighbor, the emergency room, or perhaps the individual sets your heart to racing and your brain into high gear. Once the immediate crisis is passed, you may still be able to hope that “all will return to normal” until the doctor gives you the real news. “Not yet,” is what most of us think, “it isn’t time yet for this. I/we haven’t made the arrangements that we need to.”

Now, there are lots of people who have done some preparation – have someone lined up for when they can no longer drive, have looked into alternate living options, or in-home care that might be available and affordable; all actions that can then be set into motion fairly quickly. Those are good things to do. What you probably aren’t prepared for is the emotional assault and the extraordinary amount of your time that is about to be consumed for what could be months or years. Even if there is cheerful agreement of moving into an independent or assisted living facility or having in-home care, someone will have to serve as an advocate for an incredible number of things and there are likely to be many, many trips to emergency rooms. The reason for that is because once someone enters into as assisted living category, the body and perhaps mind are already experiencing difficulties and those problems will increase. Also, the individuals charged with caring will almost always err on the side of caution, not wanting to be accused of negligence if a borderline situation worsens. The other time-consuming reality is that it is a major life adjustment and that usually causes at least some degree of emotional turmoil for everyone. There may well be a need for constant reassurance or a repetitive longing for the independence that has been lost. Unless you are in a special set of circumstances, these new tasks will be layered on top of obligations that you already have and finding a way to juggle them is not easy. It is important to understand that among the arrangements to be made is to have a “venting outlet” of some sort for everyone who is coping with this new stage of life. Frustration will set in and having the means to deal with it is incredibly important.

Ah, the things that we can’t plan for. First, the flu bug has absolutely no sense of holidays and wings its nasty way about with exactly zero regard for what havoc it wreaks. However, it can be a mild case as opposed to severe and I suppose one can be grateful for that. I knew full well that my husband was coming down with whatever everyone else at the dive shop had and he chose to believe otherwise. By Sunday evening, it was difficult to deny how he really felt and by Monday when he was faced with a 10-hour drive to Georgia early the next morning, he admitted defeat. At that point, aside from the fact that he was dragging badly, we didn’t know if I would catch it and if I did, then I would be the contagious one in the midst of elderly mother, two infants, and a very pregnant second cousin. Not the sort of holiday cheer that one wishes to spread.

Okay, scratch the trip to Georgia and a neighbor who heard immediately offered for us to come to their house. A couple they had planned on wasn’t able to and she was already intending to cook for six. The expectation was that we would either go there or plates would be delivered to us. Fine, that’s a good back-up plan. Except, with a twelve-pound turkey on hand, her husband is not feeling well (not the flu) and there is no way for them to have a house full of company. Alright, this is manageable. The other couple going to her house actually lives closer to us and often dines with us. So, she will have a small meal with her husband, then bring turkey, a wonderful cranberry chutney that she prepared yesterday and perhaps potatoes to our place in the late afternoon. I dashed to the store to get green bean casserole, frozen apple pie, Stove Top stuffing, and a jar of gravy – no chastisement will be accepted at this point for taking shortcuts. I will make the lovely artichoke and cheese spread from scratch since I had offered to do that anyway. None of that even addresses the other set of good deeds that I will be doing for much of Friday, but that is most assuredly a different subject. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Thoughtful content alert. Volunteering to do good is a wonderful thing – something that I do and have often encouraged others to engage in, especially Baby Boomers who may finally be at the stage where there is time to spend in volunteer activities. In truth, there are almost always more volunteer opportunities than volunteers and choosing where to put one’s time can be tricky. So, you pick something that you feel strongly about, whether it’s cultural in nature, philanthropic, community support, or whatever. And then, well, then you can occasionally run headlong into an unexpected situation that may cause you to re-think the whole thing. The reality is that people volunteer for lots of reasons, and in some cases, those reasons are firmly attached to personal agendas that may little, if anything, to do with the good of whatever organization/group/effort you’re volunteering with. It’s human nature and that, folks, ain’t likely to change.

It may be mild enough that you can shrug it off as an irritant, a roll-your-eyes sort of response that a glass of wine (or whatever) can sooth over. At other times though, the involved party or parties may dig into a position that begins to cause you genuine stress. There are a variety of things to try if faced with this – perhaps it is all a difference of perspectives that can be resolved with a heart-to-heart conversation. Perhaps there is some background that you are unaware of that can shed light on the subject to the degree that it can revert to being an irritant rather than a stressor. If not, then it could be time to walk away. Any relationship can become dysfunctional to the point of no longer being worth the emotional investment and that includes volunteering. There are always canned excuses one can use to depart – yes, I’m talking maybe taking a dip into the “white lie” barrel, but in these cases, candor isn’t likely to be productive. If you need to walk away, don’t do it abruptly if you can avoid it, though. Give some notice, and then take a few weeks off from volunteering as you decide on another worthy project. There are plenty and you’ll find a good fit.

Serious content alert. As I have mentioned in previous posts, writing Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid was a difficult task for me. I approach all my book projects with enthusiasm, relishing the research for the non-fiction, seeking ways to make the material entertaining as well as interesting from a factual perspective. In some cases, I have to change passages as I discover that my information was either outdated or incorrect, and I have no problem with that. With Your Room, however, the emotional intensity never waivered, even as I moved into Part II which deals with more pleasant topics than does Part I.

This post is specifically about the decision to bring hospice into a situation and I took special care to meet more than once with hospice personnel because I wanted to make sure that I presented that portion of the book in as candid, yet gentle a way as I could. There are many excellent sites to visit to get detailed information about hospice, but perhaps the two most important things to understand is that there is no Hospice with a capital “H”. Hospice is a philosophy and many of their services are covered under Medicare, but hospice organizations are not arranged identically and there are variations in how they operate. This is why it is very important to find out what organizations are in the area where the individual entering hospice is located. Hospice usually has arrangements with care facilities in the event that an individual does not wish to, or cannot be, in a home setting.

The essence of hospice is that when an individual decides he or she wants no more medical intervention – no more treatments, no more medication except for pain relief, no more trips to emergency rooms, they will be made as comfortable as possible until such time as the illness or injury takes the final toll. (And yes, one can enter hospice and then change one’s mind.) Even though hospice is most often associated with cancer, any condition deemed terminal within an estimated six months qualifies for hospice care. The main point to hospice is that the individual understands that death is probable in the near future and the preference is not to continue with medical solutions that will prolong life, but may decrease the quality of time remaining. This is never an easy decision and friends and family may have more difficulty with it than the individual making the choice. If you are coping with a relative or other loved one who is struggling with a terminal illness/injury, it might be a good idea to find out what the hospice situation is in your area.