Category Archives: Thoughts on Relationships

“They Really Lived?”……

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Thank you Brian Dennehy for great movies and television shows. This post is not about him, but a couple of his contemporaries and a quirky, delightful movie, “Secondhand Lions”. I don’t think I’ve posted about it before; at least I didn’t see it when I did a quick search. The movie takes place in the 1960s on an isolated place in west Texas. The McCann brothers, Hub (Robert Duvall) and Garth (Michael Caine) wind up with their great nephew Walter (Haley Joel Osment) for the summer. The mother Mae, played by Kera Sedgwick, is utterly irresponsible which plays out in multiple ways. Of the two childless uncles, Garth is the most sympathetic to the boy, although Hub is more so than his tough exterior allows him to express. The two men are rumored to have a great treasure on the premises, thus the constant presence of greedy relatives and persistent traveling salesmen.

The first thirty minutes might move a bit slowly for some, but is important in setting up the story. Wild tales of great adventure of the brothers are told to Walter as the dynamics shift and relationships change, both humorously and touchingly. The meaning of family, the aspect of aging away from one’s youth, the concept of one true great love, are woven together as the summer progresses. The speech, “What Every Boy Needs To Know About Being a Man” (or words to that effect), is heartwarming and the closing scenes of the movie are perfect. I didn’t realize until today it was actually a book published in 2003. I probably should have thought of that before since so many movies are adapted. I don’t think it’s on Kindle so I won’t order it as I really am trying to not add to the physical number of books we have. Anyway, as people are still inside a great deal, keep an eye out for this movie.

Weddings and Marriages…..

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My cousin’s youngest daughter is among those who have had to cancel their wedding. It would have been a lovely outdoor event on a beach in Alabama the first week of May. The issue with trying to reschedule was my cousin wisely said they would not go for a date that was also during hurricane season which meant pushing into the fall. Rather than try and manage all that, the couple decided to forego a wedding for a civil service and as soon as they are able to travel, they will go on the honeymoon.

That brings to mind a friend who was discussing his daughter’s upcoming second wedding. He was quite clear about the fact he never thought her first husband was the right man for her, but did dutifully write the large checks for the “perfect wedding”. I suspect he did not refrain from at least one, “I told you so” though when the divorce was finalized. The second husband-to-be did meet with approval, but the event, while still quite nice, was not going to be anything like the first one. His comment to me was, “The last time we paid for a wedding; this time we’re paying for a marriage.”

I have posted previously that people may spend their money in whatever way they choose. Weddings, like cars, certainly have a range from economical to astronomical. If one has always wanted to own a Ferrari and either has the resources to do so or chooses to sacrifice buying other things in order to have the Ferrari, that’s fine. I, on the other hand, don’t even have that on my “if we win the lottery list”. That simply isn’t where I would want to put $200,000 (or in that ballpark). So, for my second cousin who won’t have the pageantry, it will still be a marriage.

 

 

Other Crisis…….

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Serious musings alert. There are many unknowns the first time any generation faces a crisis. For those of us of a certain age, the 1960s were when lots of parents/grandparents weren’t certain the country would survive. The Vietnam War brought protests to a scale they had not previously experienced. There were riots with huge swaths of cities ablaze, assassinations, the ever-present Cold War and nuclear arms build-up. If we took the time to listen to our grandparents, they told of struggles during the Great Depression and impact of World War II.

This means my generation might not have fully understood the 1960s, yet most of us were changed in different ways by immense cultural shifts that occurred. We entered then into  uncertainty of the 1970s which for a variety of reasons took us to a point of the period that became known as American Malaise; gas shortages, high inflation, and the terrible taking of the American Embassy in Iran where fifty-two were held hostage for more than a year. (The movie Argo in an excellent treatment of some who escaped initial capture and isn’t even too over-the-top). The era of President Ronald Reagan brought a remarkable time with a revived economy and an ultimate end to the Cold War. On the other hand, new dangers arose. Desert Storm also brought a much-needed boost to the U.S. military, which I won’t go into in this post.

For Generation X, (those not personally touched by Desert Storm), the horrors of 9/11 was the equivalent of our parents/grandparents’ Pearl Harbor and their first impact of a world-changing event. There have of course been regional natural disasters of hurricanes, tornadoes, etc., tens of thousands have been through.

For Millennials and Generation Z, the Corona Virus pandemic may, however, be their first major-scale crisis. Perspective is important. Let us hope the current turmoil ends soon, but also work with our younger generations to assure them we have dealt with crisis before.

Ah, The First Nutcracker….

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While I don’t do much “grandma” stuff on the blog, our granddaughter will be in her first Nutcracker performance this year – part of the Mouse Army, as is common. She actually was in the Spring performance in June as a “chick” and apparently the kinder ballet instructor is having to explain to the budding ballerinas that these are different movements.

At any rate, I remember when my sister and I guess it was another mom took young sons to their first Nutcracker in Houston. It was a gala affair with getting dressed up and enjoying either dinner before or perhaps it was ice cream treats after in addition to the wonder of the experience. (That has been quite a while ago.) For reasons that I don’t exactly recall; probably because we had back-to-back overseas assignments, our son didn’t attend his first Nutcracker until he was in middle school in Hawaii. He enjoyed it and somewhat ironically, he didn’t seem enamored of it. I don’t think the later “spark” was initiated that evening, but who knows if there was a lingering impact. I’ve lost count of the number of times he has now been in Nutcrackers and doing the Russian Dance for Delta Festival Ballet in New Orleans was his first professional appearance as in someone paid him. He generally dances at least two and sometimes three each season, although this year it’s only one, plus “A Christmas Carol” for a studio that often calls on him. There is a scheduling conflict with New Orleans, so he won’t be able to join them this year. On the other hand, that means he isn’t flying back on Christmas Eve for a change. That will make the week of Christmas a bit less hectic for them.

Granddaughter dressed up for the first ballet she attended.

Trip, Day 8….

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So today is it; Daddy’s 95th birthday. I’ll visit with him until mid-afternoon, then head over to Bossier where I’ll have dinner with the other old high school friend as the final planned meeting that has become our tradition. The 3:00 a.m. wake-up tomorrow to get to the airport on time for the 5:00 a.m. flight will keep the wine consumption down.

Anyway, if Daddy wants catfish again for lunch, I’ll run out for it and then my step-siblings are coming around 5:00 with cupcakes and ice cream cups for everyone to celebrate. My sister and brother will make trips to see him later in the year. As I have mentioned previously, the assisted living facility where he is has the basics, but is small at only 26 rooms. The staff is friendly and seems to do well with the residents and in seeing many of the same faces over the years there also seems to be a nice level of stability (among the staff). My father’s short term memory problem means he can no longer enjoy reading; something he did for most of his adult life. While he does have limited vision in one eye, the real problem is unless it’s a short article, he can’t recall what he read. He does still watch some television, but mostly plays the afternoon games of different forms of bingo and sits either on the front porch or at one of the front windows in the airy lobby. With 90-plus degrees, sitting outside for long doesn’t work well. There is a fair flow of people coming and going, which allows for a social aspect.

Things We Don’t Remember….

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No, I’m not talking about the heartbreak of the various forms of dementia, especially as our older loved ones wither from the individuals we once knew. Nor am I referring to our joking about “Senior Moments” before it does become serious. Not long ago, I had a discussion with someone, fortunately on the telephone so my body language didn’t give me away. The individual was talking about his clear memory of not only the first time we met, but about a time a few years later as well. I have no reason to doubt him as the context all made sense and everything tracked with the sort of things I would have done and said. The are indeed other things I recall in the time we spent together – this is all on a professional basis – yet the times he vividly remembers are complete blanks for me.

Indeed, when I give my presentation on “Capturing Family Memories” to begin the process of writing a memoir, I make a point of this. Unless video and audio recordings are available, every experience is subject to personal memory and/or interpretation. This can be true whether an event occurred a short time prior or many years. In general, the longer after, the more disparate versions will be, although the significance of the experience generally does matter. In the case I am referring to, as I have mentioned in other posts, I was the “first female” in a number of positions during my Army career. Therefore, men who were not accustomed to having a woman in that position might well remember it as common with any “first”. I, however, having been through this on multiple occasions might not file the meeting away as anything particularly special. On a different note, remembering people’s names can be difficult for most people and I have almost reached the point where I’m not embarrassed to ask again when I draw a blank. I admit in a setting where business cards are likely to be available, I will sometimes smile and use the ploy of, “Do you have a card with you? I simply can’t seem to find where I put the last one.”

 

Summers in Maine….

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Photos aren’t posted yet, but the kids made the 12ish-hour trip up to Maine yesterday. They’ll visit for four or five days, then make a stop to see a longtime friend in Rhode Island on the way back. Granddaughter is old enough now to really understand and remember the visits. As I have mentioned in previous posts, Dustin spent at least a month every summer in Maine, often longer. While we were there each Christmas as well, either for, or right after Christmas, summertime is very different. There are, of course, the masses of tourists to cope with as Grandpa swore each summer he would stay tucked away, “on the farm”, until after Labor Day. Taking Dustin on special excursions did make for the exception to his rule, although since was also still working, it would often be Gram and Dustin going somewhere as they “made memories”. It was important for him to embrace that part of his heritage and since my daughter-in-law is one of the few in her family to move away from Mane, granddaughter has deep roots there. The cottage on the lake makes for a perfect setting, except I’m sure even in August, the water temperature will be cool. Naturally there is the spot where they make a fire underneath star-filled night skies.

Blueberries in all shapes and forms, handmade ice cream, maple candies, and lobster for the adults are givens. I’m not sure if granddaughter has developed a taste for seafood beyond fish sticks, but there will be plenty of fried haddock nuggets. August can bring black flies as a nuisance, so here’s hoping it might be a mild year for them. I’ve probably forgotten some special culinary treat, and will no doubt see photos soon on Facebook as they make the different rounds to see family and friends. Perhaps Mother Nature will be kind and keep the weather sunny for them.

 

 

The “Slippery Slope” of Compartmentalization….

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Serious musings alert. A conversation the other day triggered the chain of thought about the ability to mentally compartmentalize. In this case, I’m referring to situations where you have multiple things to deal with and there is no way to manage them all at once. Although compartmentalizing is a type of prioritizing, prioritizing is closer to, “Let’s take this one step at a time,” rather than the infamous line of Margaret Mitchell’s character, Scarlett O’Hara’s, “After all, tomorrow is another day”. By that, I mean in keeping with her character, thinking about it another day also in general meant she would find a way to not take responsibility for her own actions.

Therein lies the three aspects of compartmentalization I consider to be “risky”. The first is the inclination to revisionism. The “well I should have said….” can morph into having thought you did so, then building the memory around that. (It’s not an uncommon trait as I have written about in other posts.) If the issue being compartmentalized is something that needs to be dealt with, then depending on when it is dealt with, the revised scenario may be brought out and either corrected or can lead to further complications. If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation that seems to be getting out of control, think back to how it originated and see if perhaps there was a basic misunderstanding in waiting to deal with whatever it is/was.

The second aspect of compartmentalization is the matter may be not overly significant to you, and yet important to another individual. You may forget about it through no malice and also cause complications because the other party/parties may view your forgetting in an unfavorable way.

The third aspect is if compartmentalization slides into repression/suppression. I do want to clarify there is a reason the phrase, “time and place for everything” exists, and that includes letting things go. Choosing to not deal with something immediately may well be the best option and then letting go of whatever it is may also be the correct choice.On the other hand, there can be unpleasant aspects to life which do require response/action and finding the way to do so is important.

The Paris Trip….

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It has been five years since we were in Paris. Last year, my sister was talking about taking a trip and wanted me to give her some advice. Somehow in the discussions, I misunderstood and thought she meant she and my brother-in-law were going. I thought that was odd because even though they are still traveling, I was under the impression he could no longer make the transoceanic trips. As it turned out, I was correct. My sister was planning for the two of us to go. Ah, okay. While I would not in general leave Hubby out of a trip to Paris, this will be a special event. The one time Sis was there was a brief visit and there were a number of things she didn’t do and she really wants to go to Giverny. I actually haven’t been there so that part will be new for me as well.

Hubby and I always go in the winter, too, close to Valentine’s Day, so it has been years since I’ve seen the parks in bloom and they are lovely with all the beautiful flowers. I have warned her Paris is not a carb friendly city, although green salad and omelette is a common lunch. Neither of us do oysters which lets out that option. We can both do a lot of “crudities” – the nice selection of raw vegetables as a first course I suppose. I’ve also recommended us taking breakfast bars because all standard French breakfasts involve pastries. Okay, I will indulge in one. I’ve received our Paris Passes which gives us access to many of the museums, the Metro, the light rail and discounts on some other things. I haven’t gone through the guide at length and I’m sure there have been changes over the past five years. Seeing Notre Dame will of course be sad and I’ll try not to tear up. I don’t know how close they will allow tourists. I will do a blog post each day and perhaps some Facebook.

For The Other Moms…..

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Yes, there is no question the journey through pregnancy and delivery of a child is an experience like no other. (At some point I’ll post about my somewhat humorous day). And for the sake of this entry, I will simply say my heart always goes out to children who grow up in conditions of abuse and neglect which segues a bit into the purpose of the post.

Women who are mothers through marriage, adoption, or fostering (official or otherwise) come to their roles mostly through choice and in many cases, there can be transition aspects. The “evil stepmother” label can be unfairly applied as children can feel pulled by split loyalties. (And shame on any party that promotes this for their own selfish reason.) Having the patience and wisdom to work through those feelings is not an easy task.  On the subject of adoption, there may have been a time in the past when the process was easy, but if you know anyone who has adopted in the last decade or so, you know of the complexity and often emotional roller coaster they will go on before the child/children become part of their family. Foster parents are in a very special category as there will always be personal trauma involved that must be managed.

I recently wrote about the young lady who “grew up” in the foster system and the non-profit she established to continue to work with foster children. (https://www.sadiesdaughter.org) The foster mother takes in a child/children understanding their time together could be quite temporary depending on the circumstances. She may have only a short while to have a positive enough impact to literally alter that child’s life. The cases where a woman steps forward to unofficially “foster” because of a desperate need can be even more heart-warming. There are sad situations where a neighbor/relative is able to provide a haven for after school or something similar to allow for a respite from neglect or abuse. Being a “mother” for these children is as real as it gets and anyone who has done so should feel a special pride.

So here is a salute to all those women who may not be a mother through giving birth, but who have given life.