Category Archives: Thoughts on Relationships

Friendships Through The Years…

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Emotional content alert. I suppose it was almost ten years ago when my father and stepmother were in their mid-80s, they were at the point of attending lots of funerals of friends. Since that time my stepmother has passed and as I have posted here, my father is fading although still with us.

In all the talk of “sixty is the new forty”, etc., and we do generally live longer and healthier lives now, we Babyboomers have a tendency to make assumptions about our own longevity. Last year, although not due to COVID, my local circle and extended circle lost five women, ranging from early 80s to late 60s. One was an especially good friend and what made it all the more difficult was each death was very sudden. Lingering illnesses have a separate tragedy, yet it does provide the ability to at least somewhat prepare for loss. And of course, culturally, if we are talking about an older friend or relative, there is the concept of, “it was their time”.

A few days ago, a friend of 30-plus years notified us her husband died after a two-week bout with pneumonia. They are both several years younger than us and even though he did have some health issues, none were in the life-threatening category. She and his family are of course devastated. They have no children and actually relocated barely a year ago from their longtime home in Virginia. Ironically the move was partially to be closer to some specialized medical treatment for a entirely different condition. This is another case of, “It isn’t supposed to happen”, and all I can do at the moment is be available to her. I’ve been with her before for tough periods in her life; all of which were relatively short-term. She’ll have decisions to make about some things and those I can at least help with.

 

Merry Christmas……..

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What a lot of places we’ve been for Christmas over the years. Many with relatives and friends; one incredibly lonely time when I was sort of stranded in London rather then being where I was supposed to be, but that’s definitely for another post.

Growing up in Louisiana, my maternal grandparents and much of that side of the family lived 30 minutes west. The tradition was big Christmas Eve at their house with grown-ups having drawn names for presents and all the kids getting a bulging stocking from Mamaw and Papaw which included lots of fireworks. It wasn’t a meal as that took place the following day back at their house again. For some reason, one year my mother decided we should open all our presents when we returned Christmas Eve because having the traditional opening and prepping everything to take for the Christmas meal was admittedly a bit hectic. On the other hand, Christmas morning without opening presents just wasn’t the same and we didn’t repeat that. Of course, in a one-income, working middle class family, there weren’t that many presents to unwrap and stockings tended to be things like maybe some new socks, plus tangerines because those only came into the small town groceries part of the year. It seems we went up to Arkansas to be with paternal side of the family occasionally, although I don’t recall  how often.

Moving on to when I was single and mostly away in the Army, there was usually a family that drew in “the orphans” either as individuals or groups and Hubby and I did the while we were in Maryland and Virginia. I’ve posted before about Christmases in Maine which periodically meant the 26th or 27th as “late Christmas”; never longer than two days after. I’ve also explained the kids have Christmas in Virginia and we bring them down the 27th or 28th depending on their Jan start date back to work/school. They’re exhausted with lead-up to and performances of Nutcracker so a few days of relative quiet before tackling airports at holiday time is important. Fortunately, it is a non-stop, little over two hours flight time which does help. We’ll go over late afternoon today for the big meal with friends. And yes, I will be having candy at breakfast.

 

Did I Mention Coffee?…..

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In coming up on Christmas and sipping my third mug of Black Rifle coffee, I suddenly remembered a technique that may not still exist. (The post I did last year explained about the Black Rifle Coffee Company)

Anyway, many years ago, my brother gave me a “cold water coffee extract” kit for Christmas. I think that was when he was working at the still fairly unknown Whole Foods Market (yes, that one), and more importantly, he does not and never has been a coffee drinker. When he sent this he assured me his coffee drinking friends loved it. Alright, now to describe it. There was a glass carafe, a round plastic container that fit over the neck of the carafe, and a plug to fit in the container. The instructions were to put the plug into the container, place up to one pound of ground coffee into the container, fill it to whatever the marker was on the container with cold/room temperature water and allow it to “drip” around the plug for 8 hours or overnight. The extract it produced in the carafe was then to be refrigerated and used like instant coffee. I was understandably skeptical, but I do love my brother. My first try with it did not go well as somehow I didn’t set it up correctly and had a mess on the counter. I managed that part okay the next time. I don’t recall exactly how much extract was produced, but I think it was enough for about twenty mugs. Much to my surprise, it did make excellent coffee because it provided a smoother taste with no heat in the process of making the extract. On the other hand, it was a “process” to plan out.

I also don’t recall at what point I probably broke the carafe or lost part of the kit in a move, but whatever happened, I didn’t bother to find out how to replace it. Like I said, I don’t know if such a thing still exists, but my brother was correct about it.

Your Room At The End…….

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Musing Alert. There may not be anyone new reading this post, but if there is, the book I published in 2011, Your Room at the End: Thoughts About Aging We’d Rather Avoid (https://charliehudson.net/books/your-room-at-the-end.html) was a book I genuinely thought would provide a breakthrough for me. It’s only 150 pages, yet touches on virtually every aspect of aging that Baby Boomers need to consider for their parents/other loved ones and ourselves. As I came to learn, however, it is, “the book people should read the most and want to the least.”

The quick background is when my first husband’s mother entered her 80s, she was widowed, and my husband had been their only child. She and her husband were only surviving children and there was simply no direct family other than our son who was in college. I was in Florida which is certainly a long way from Maine. As a fiercely independent woman, she actually worked part time until she was 84 and she had a plan for her “older years”. Unfortunately, her body (and then her mind) weren’t in sync with the plan. There were some good friends who helped her a great deal and I spent much of her last two years running back and forth between Florida and Maine. In the process of doing so my next door neighbor and good friend strongly urged me to write this book, citing how she thought it would be of great use to others. (Ironically and tragically, she passed away from cancer at only age 60 less than six months after the book was published.)

Anyway, the book did not sell well even though there are several people who bought multiple copies to give to friends and/or their adult children. One gentleman is convinced the time has come to “give it another go” and use his network to promote it. Most of the content is still valid, so the fact it’s been out for ten years shouldn’t be a drawback. We’ll get started with that soon and see what happens.

 

And Forty-one Years Have Passed…..

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A bit of musing alert. Today is son’s 41st birthday. I imagine they celebrated yesterday as it’s the only day of the week they get off and Mondays are rather awkward to try and celebrate unless there is an actual holiday involved.

For those of us who have been around for a while, there is such irony in the times we were young wishing for a “future time” to “hurry up”; to be old enough to fill-in-the-blank for whatever applies.And I’m certain I have previously referenced the Country and Western song, “Don’t Blink” by Kenney Chesney. It begins with someone interviewing a man who is about to turn 100 and his advice continues, “You’re six years old and you take a nap, wake up and you’re twenty-five and your high school sweetheart is now your wife.” You look at the photos of your child as a baby, toddler, etc., and four decades have gone by. There were so many moments that marked different stages and entering adulthood came with all the questions as to what that would bring. As everyone who follows the blog knows, his career choice was not something we expected nor initially fully embraced. We did manage to work through that quickly enough so not to hold on to what we thought things should be and understand what that reality was.

There is of course also the question of, “How on earth do I have a 41-year-old son?” The answer is easy in doing the simple math and yes, that too can give pause for thought. Fortunately, Hubby and I are both in good health and active although definitely aware of normal aches and less agility than in the past. I have no doubt six-year-old granddaughter wished her Dad a Happy Birthday without a thought in the world that she will be that age someday.

Louisiana Trip, Day 5…..

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Birthday arrived yesterday and Daddy made it for over an hour before he tired and needed to return to his room. He enjoyed cupcakes, ice cream and the lady who does his hair every few weeks brought by some treats as well. One was an unbaked cookie ball rolled in coconut that tasted a great deal like a lemon tart. We had about nine of us there and a couple of the residents also stopped in the activity room. Through a very strange situation, my sister and brother-in-law didn’t make it after all and the step-sister in Texas had previously said they couldn’t come. The idea is both those sets will try to coincide a visit in a few weeks. The youngest whose name I have forgotten meant we had four generations represented; not unexpected when the oldest is 97. The rain did stop prior to everyone arriving and with the sun out, it was a bit steamy although we  were inside so it didn’t matter.

Brother and I went to my favorite Mexican restaurant last night. Not that we have a shortage of Mexican restaurants in Homestead, but my sister-in-law doesn’t care for the cuisine so it was what he wanted to do. There are actually four good Mexican restaurants in Minden/Dixie Inn; three of which serve alcohol. (One does have to have one’s priorities). My favorite doesn’t have quite as much atmosphere as the one downtown, however, they have a signature dish I really like. It’s a “Ranchero style” with either chicken, steak or shrimp, and has a little tomato, roasted green peppers, onions, all in a cheesy sauce (not heavy). The flavors are well balanced. Oh, and when they put the basket of tortilla chips on the table, they are often still warm from the fryer. And yes, the salsa is homemade.

Virginia Trip, Day 4…..

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As I think I explained, this trip was family-time heavy. The State Plaza Hotel is a pleasant place and Hubby did take his camera and walk extensively yesterday to get down to the Mall and some of the monuments. I had work to do plus make sure the logistics for the evening were on track. I walked the five blocks to the Founding Farmers restaurant to see how their delivery timing was and had a light lunch as we would be eating dinner very early. Across the street from them was a place where I should have had lunch. Duke’s Grocery and Pub looked really interesting and I almost did go in there first, but waited until after. They definitely have more a sandwich-type menu and were not what we were looking for from a dinner perspective, yet had at least three great-sounding sandwiches. Anyway, Founding Farmers is part of a regional chain that started up in Minnesota (or somewhere like that) and has grown into three or four different versions. Founding Farmers | A Farmer Owned Restaurant (wearefoundingfarmers.com)

They use Door Dash for their main delivery and it worked perfectly. Mini cheeseburgers and fries for granddaughter, fried chicken salad for daughter-in-law, slow roasted pork chop for me, shrimp and grits for Hubby. I knew son would be starving after the very long day so ordered him the honey-thyme roasted chicken to have late. (Thanks for  invention of the microwave)

The dance program was the longest and most complex in the tribute to Bowen-McCauley’s 25 years. There were also a presentation from the State of Virginia for her/their contributions to arts and community outreach. I’ve previously explained Lucy was the first to adapt Dance for Parkinsons therapy in this area. She had mentioned she was going to continue with the program through another venue. What she didn’t know was the founder of the program from New York coordinated with the Kennedy Center for the program to continue there. He came on stage and made the announcement as part of acknowledging Lucy. By the way, in the string of accolades, she said she would not be making a speech. She thanked everyone and said she was  “an emotional wreck”. Closing out 25+ years of your life usually does come with intense emotion. During the after-party gala, Lucy did speak with different people about selected projects (yet to be disclosed) she’ll be involved with.

Our friends from North Carolina were able to make the trip. Even though we weren’t able to have dinner together because of the timing situation, we did get caught up with them.  It was a little after 11:00 when we headed to the hotel, then a bit for unwinding. Breakfast at the hotel at 9:00 this morning to let everyone sleep in for a bit. We’ll see how the trip home goes.

The Comedy of Pompous….

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Having now finished watching the series “Northern Exposure”, I had never seen the first season of “Fraiser”. That was another one we didn’t watch routinely and at only half-hour, the episodes can’t include as much as an hour-long show. For those who may not be familiar, it was a spin-off show from “Cheers” where the psychiatrist Dr. Fraiser Crane, played by Kelsey Grammer, leaves Boston after his divorce and goes back to Seattle to become the psychiatrist for a call-in radio show. His brother, Niles, played by David Hyde Pierce, is still a practicing psychiatrist. Their father, a tough cop who certainly hadn’t envisioned both his sons being so very different from him, was forced to retire when he was shot in the hip. In not yet healing, it became apparent he could no longer live at home so the first episode and several subsequent ones were the utter disruption when the decision was made for him to move into Fraiser’s well-appointed apartment. Niles has a large, expensive house with plenty of room, but his wife (whom I don’t think we ever see) has many issues that are also worth a chuckle. Naturally, there is a spunky British live-in added into the mix who helps care for the father (played by John Mahoney) and his scruffy dog Eddy.

There are the other members of the radio staff and personalities to add humor as well as the pricey coffee shop where many scenes take place. There is the constant display of how pompous both sons are juxtaposed against the common sense of the dad and assistant. At the same time though, there are the moments when the dad or assistant stop to see things from Fraiser’s perspective to draw out the gentler person he can be. A few poignant exchanges serve as reminders that most of us do at times get caught up in our own views and perhaps fail – or are slow to consider another as valid.

Speaking of Jobs and Working Together….

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Okay, my plan to post yesterday got completely away from me with a series of errands and having three articles again for the paper this week.

A longtime business (market and cafe) has closed in Kendall which is up the road a bit. People are posting about their memories and sad to see it go. We were only there a couple of times and did enjoy it. Like so many family owned businesses though, sustaining through the generations can be difficult; especially for the third and fourth. One of my “beats” for the community paper is multi-generational businesses and I’ve written about many of them. Two generations is not uncommon as the child/children often literally “grow up in the business”. This is a usually combination of struggling to make it as a “mom and pop” whatever it might be and therefore needing to use the business for day care/after school, then finding tasks for the child/children to do which segues into part time work. At that point, there is generally a growing appreciation for the business, a thirst to learn and do more or the other side of the coin, “I’ll put up with this until I can go my own way.” If there is more than one child, it can be split as to who wants to keep with the family business and who wants to follow another path.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts my career intentions had been to go into the Army to get the G.I. Bill to pay for law school and enter the small family law firm. In staying in the Army for a career instead, the cousin closest to me in age and his younger sister did both go to law school and took over the practice. Male cousin stayed with it and female cousin went the judicial route. So, that’s the third generation. Male cousin’s sons were not remotely interested, but female cousin’s oldest daughter is not only a relatively new lawyer, but also married to a lawyer. They’re in Mississippi and the daughter acknowledged the small – and I do mean small – Louisiana town may not be quite what they are looking for. On the other hand, they do have a toddler now and it is a good place to raise children. Who knows, there could be that fourth generation to step into the office after all.

October Trip Day 3….

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I was actually expecting granddaughter to be knocking on our door by now (8:45 a.m.), but she did expend a lot of energy yesterday. Today’s plan is for the kids to have a “date day” as we take granddaughter to the Air and Space Museum annex near Dulles. That’s the reason for staying on this side of D.C. For those not familiar with it, the official name is the Smithsonian Institution Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center. The Air and Space Museum in D.C. has far more items than they can display and there are physical issues with being able to expand. Many years – okay, decades ago – there was the idea to build an annex out close to Dulles where a facility could be constructed to hold the famous SR-71 – the “Blackbird” supersonic spy plane and even a space shuttle. That was obviously a major effort. I don’t recall now when it opened, but the kids have visited it once and Hubby has wanted to for quite some time. There are of course restrictions now as to capacity, so tickets are issued for timed entries. We’re at 10:30 so no one had to rush around. Will report after.

Good exhibits even with a number of really cool ones closed because of COVID restrictions. Kept granddaughter’s attention for 1.5 hours and the trip through the museum shop was reasonable. In discussing potential careers like engineers, astronauts, etc., learned granddaughter’s intent is to be a vet so she can take care of puppies and llamas.

Moving on to next unexpected travel irritant. Turns out there is no housekeeping. Process is beds don’t get changed (not an issue as we take that option anyway when it’s only a few days), towels can be delivered when you ask for them as are other amenities. Trash is to be placed outside and is picked up. No actual cleaning provided until after checkout. In sorting through that logic, it would have been nice to have been informed of this on their website before booking or certainly as least when we checked in.