No, I’m not trying to be anti-holiday. I’ve seen multiple Facebook posts of people who have lost loved ones over the past few days. These deaths are never easy, but somehow when it occurs during a major holiday, it usually has extra impact. It can also mar that holiday for many years to come.

When I married my first husband, I was startled at the number of Christmas gifts; the regular one expected, but also one from the dog and Santa. I mean we were after all adults. And they were incredibly thoughtful gifts, the type someone puts time and effort into. Since we only had two Christmases together before he was killed, I never got around to finding out what that was about. Years later, my mother-in-law brought the subject up. As it turned out, her only sibling was a brother whom I knew had died fairly young. He contracted scarlet fever (I think it was) and died a few days before Christmas. Their father declared there would be no celebration of that or any other Christmas in the household. He never relented and so each Christmas was ignored. Once she left home, she was determined to cherish the holiday. Not that she didn’t love her brother, but she understood the two were not connected.

It isn’t just the person most affected in these cases; relatives and friends can sometimes feel awkward too about how to react. It is commonplace for the first major holiday (or any special day like a birthday) following a death to bring more pain. That can cause the individual to want to pull back rather than be around others. These feelings can be compounded if the individual doesn’t want to “spoil things for others”. If you find yourself in this situation, it is tricky. Inviting the individual for festivities and then being understanding if they decline is usually best. Or perhaps being able to have some sort of one-on-one interaction such as a luncheon can be good. It is possible the individual will want to express the sensation of additional emotion and a shoulder to lean/cry on is what is needed.